I Bought a Vampire Motorcycle (1990) October 31st, 2020

I bought I Bought a Vampire Motorcycle for its outrageous title, because it ‘stars’ Anthony Daniels as a priest, and because one of the thumbnails in the online listings showed what looked like a man in a prosthetic turd costume floating in a giant toilet bowl. Need I say ‘Sold!’?

A motorcycle turns vampiric when a motorcycle gang kills a cultist, interrupting his demonic summonings. The partially-conjured spirit finds purchase in the corporeal form of a damaged motorcycle. This motorized Audrey II now craves blood and nothing but the power of Christ will end its rampage.

Like its title, I Bought a Vampire Motorcycle is delightfully absurd but obviously not ‘good’. You’ve got to be in a particular mood to enjoy this two-wheeled-Christine farce because every preconception you have about it is correct. A perfect horror comedy like The World’s End or Tucker and Dale vs. Evil is meticulously paced and balances both tones expertly. I Bought a Vampire Motorcycle is none of that. But how much does that matter?

Listen, life is extremely serious right now. People are dying, hospitals are full and our healthcare system is strained to the breaking point. When times are this tough sometimes the only entertainment strong enough to break through the calcified layers of stress is something so mightily stupid that you’re shocked by its very existence. I’m talking Tammy and the T-Rex, Microwave Massacre, and yeah… I Bought a Vampire Motorcycle. So revel dear reader! Watch I Bought a Vampire Motorcycle and sink into the morass of absurdity, succumb to the swamp of silliness, let the logic-lampreys suck your worries away for 101 blissfully ignorant minutes! Relax man, take a break.