Quarantined Critic Blog
Lost in time, lost in space…
Malignant (2021) October 9th, 2021
Malignant is so staggeringly stupid you could be conned into believing it’s brilliant. Malignant begins when Madison, a pregnant nurse who’s come home early to rest after a painful day of pregnancy finds her husband Derek lounging on the couch watching UFC. He’s annoyed because she’s interrupted his siesta and begins grilling her about the … Continue Reading Malignant (2021) October 9th, 2021
A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors (1987) October 3rd, 2021
This review contains spoilers. Alfred Hitchcock once said ‘…in the fiction film the Director is a God; he must create life.” If that’s true then Wes Craven is the God of A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors. Like the Judeo-Christian God, Craven bestowed his commandments unto the world via an emissary whose voice … Continue Reading A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors (1987) October 3rd, 2021
Friday the 13th Part III (1982) October 1st, 2021
I’ve been itching to watch Friday the 13th Part III for years, but I’ve refused to watch it in anything less than 3 Dimensions. Originally released in 3D, Friday the 13th Part III didn’t have a 3D Blu-Ray release until Scream Factory’s enormous Friday the 13th Blu-ray box set hit shelves in 2020. My wife … Continue Reading Friday the 13th Part III (1982) October 1st, 2021
Le Voyage Dans la Lune (1902) July 21st, 2021
Georges Méliès’ 15 minute masterpiece Le Voyage Dans la Lune is a movie I knew precious little about. The silent film with a rocket lodged in the moon’s literal face. Méliès brief but brilliant short showcases many splendors for fantasy, science fiction, and silent film lovers. Le Voyage Dans la Lune is produced like a … Continue Reading Le Voyage Dans la Lune (1902) July 21st, 2021
Pig (2021) July 17th, 2021
I don’t like bacon. It seems simple enough to prepare but the narrow sweet spot between overdone and undercooked escapes many. Countless diner orders ventured too far to one extreme or the other leaving the meal either a wet rubbery leather or a smoking plate of blackened shards. The same goes for a quirky post-arthouse … Continue Reading Pig (2021) July 17th, 2021
The Green Knight (2021) July 17th, 2021
It’s difficult for me to criticize an A24 film. I, like a lot of people, was blown away by Ex Machina in 2015 and they’ve continued to produce at the highest levels. The Lobster, Eighth Grade, and The VVitch are lighthouses of creativity in the tropical storm of shallow mediocrity Hollywood regularly cranks out. The … Continue Reading The Green Knight (2021) July 17th, 2021
Werewolves Within (2021) July 5th, 2021
Werewolves Within is the first film, excluding private showings, I’ve seen in theaters since the pandemic began and it was exactly what I wanted. A well-written clever comedy-horror whodunnit. It’s like Shaun of the Dead meets Knives Out. Werewolves Within’s connection to Simon Pegg’s classic zomcom is only strengthened by it’s filmmaker’s deliberately imitating Edgar … Continue Reading Werewolves Within (2021) July 5th, 2021
The New Mutants (2020) June 27th, 2021
By the time I began reading The Uncanny X-Men in my adolescence, the team had left behind their teenage years. Cyclops and Jean Grey’s marriage was ending, Wolverine was training his 3rd or 4th teen girl sidekick and the trend of creating newer and more exciting X-men had jumped the shark to the point where … Continue Reading The New Mutants (2020) June 27th, 2021
Norbit (2007) June 1st, 2021
My wife and I caught Eddie Murphy’s The Nutty Professor on motel cable while waiting for a flight this morning. I didn’t remember much about it except that Eddie Murphy plays a whole family of fat people who’re delusional about their weight and possess the power of at-will flatulence. Honestly I remembered more about Jack … Continue Reading Norbit (2007) June 1st, 2021
The Day of the Dolphin (1973) June 1st, 2021
The limits of cetacean intelligence have fascinated me since I was five and first saw Free Willy. If you’re unfamiliar, Free Willy‘s the story of a troubled foster kid from Seattle named Jesse who’s gotten into hot water for vandalizing a local aquarium/sea park. He’s sentenced to remove all the spray-paint and repair any damage … Continue Reading The Day of the Dolphin (1973) June 1st, 2021
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Quarantined Critic 