I’m serious about clichés. Watching a movie because of a relevant holiday, life or world event is kitschy. I remember watching movies on cable as a kid and wondering what it must be like to decide which movies play on which days. How could I choose between It’s a Wonderful Life or Miracle on 34th Street when Home Alone is targeted to my demo?
Now we live in the past’s future (Why call it the present when ‘The Future’ always sounds better?) and we can grab almost any movie we want out of digital air. This lets us all be Program Directors in our own private TV stations. I am over prepared for this situation. I have way more streaming services than I’ll ever watch but on the other hand I also have way too many Blu-Rays and DVDs… They’re my salvation during this global pandemic. As long as we have electricity. It’d be really hard to write a blog about movies without it. I could always write a handprinted newsletter about the books I read under quarantine. But I wouldn’t. Heads up, if it comes to that. You’re on your own. Also don’t loot my house, all I have are useless Blu-Rays and blankets. Probably shouldn’t have mentioned the blankets. Don’t come for my blankets. I’ll defend them with the sharpened edges of The Avengers in one hand and Leprechaun in the other.
Leprechaun! Oh crap I was supposed to be writing about Leprechaun! As I mentioned in an earlier post, my wife and I recently married. *hold for applause* She received her new social security card in the mail days earlier and is now an official ‘Mc’. The ‘Mc’ prefix makes you super Irish. So as a newly official “Super-Irish” she was very excited to wear green, eat corn beef and potatoes, not drink beer and watch Leprechaun. That last part isn’t true. Years ago she told me the movie monster of whom she was most afraid was the titular evil Leprechaun. You see, she’s never been able to find a four leaf clover, which is the only way to beat the Leprechaun. Being an attentive and caring fiancé I did the sensitive thing and bought her the 7 film Blu-Ray collection for Christmas last year. Included with the gift was an aerosol clover scented perfume. I figure there’s way more than 4 in there AND if you spray it into a lighter you can burn the evil fairy to death.
I was convinced I hadn’t seen the movie before. I was wrong. Turns out the movie is terrible and I had deliberately blocked it from my mind. I knew Jennifer Aniston starred in some sort of 90’s horror film but I swore it was a Tremors sequel. Nope, it’s Leprechaun.
I know this is a blog about movies I ‘watched’ and I really shouldn’t admit to this but this movie sucked so bad I ended up playing on my phone through it. Here’s what I remember. Francis from Pee-wee’s Big Adventure plays a Lennie who’s best friends with the kid who played Clark in Rookie of the Year. The Clark kid wants the newly discovered Leprechaun gold to buy Francis an algernonian operation. Jennifer Anniston plays a city snob who’s recently moved to this podunk town in North Dakota. She’d get on a train or plane or straight up walk to the nearest shopping mall except there’s a hot hunky yokel who helps around at her Dad’s house. I guess there’s only ugly dudes in the city? Warwick Davis’ Leprechaun is basically O.J. Simpson, that’s his gold and he wants it back. The rest of the movie is pretty much everyone running around trying to kill the Leprechaun and the Leprechaun trying to kill everyone else. But that’s when the group learns that Francis had an extraordinary episode of clinical stupidity and swallowed one of the gold coins. I guess there’s only one way to get it back out. Enter Clark who wraps a newly found four leaf clover in bubble gum and slingshots it into the leprechaun’s mouth with a defiant, “Fuck you Lucky Charms!” The clover magic melts the wee fae’s face and he topples backward into an old well. That’s pretty much it. There’s another subplot about how exactly the leprechaun ends up in North Dakota but I’ve spared you that because it’s just so dumb. See the movie if you absolutely have to know.
This movie is classic trash. I can come up with a lot of reasons to watch it but none for why you should. If you really like any of the actors, watch it. Is it St. Patricks day? Well it’s more bloody and equally as depressing as My Left Foot and Angela’s Ashes so you could do worse on the holiday.